I know what you are thinking, how could a Christian watch a movie called “Kick-Ass”? I can tell you this, it was an interesting adventure for myself. I have always had a strange interaction with film and my faith and this movie was just another “experience” for me in that journey.
On the comic book nerd/action nerd inside of me; I loved this film. Some of the characters did seem a bit “larger” than life (I mean a young girl that trained in violence and weaponry, was a bit far fetched), but that is the nature of comic books. Some of the shots used in this film I found very interesting. Whether it was the motion comic scene (which paid homage to the comic book that it came from) or the night vision raid of the place by Hit Girl, both seemed new to main stream film. 
I felt like the actors did a great job, but I always have some problem with Nicolas Cage as an actor. I have a harder time with some of his roles and in this one; I could not get a real good “feel” for him. His character did not have that much of a back story and I could not find him relatable.
I am happy to see the surge of comic book movies, but I just worry that we are seeing the beginning of the end of it, or perhaps “too much of a good thing.” As more and more comic book movies are being made, I just worry that comic books are going to start changing so that they could be easier to transfer to the big screen.  I do believe that comic books have always had a good pulse on the human struggles of good versus evil; the ideas of justice, vengeance, and identity and other ranges of human emotion. I just worry that as more and more movies are made from comic books, that it might influence the writers of comic books to change their styles so that they are easier to be adapted (but also there is a bit of fanboy in me where I will always see the books as superior to their film and dislike it when people become fans of it, just because they see a movie on it (I’ll stop before I start talking about X Men: Origins).
Now as a Christian, I had an inner battle. I wanted to enjoy the experience as a short glimpse into human emotion (the battle between good and evil, the weak standing up against the strong, the fight against injustice). But at times, I was shocked by the use of coarse language and extreme violence.  Of course, I knew this going in and the issue wasn’t that I was shocked because of what I was seeing, but rather, I was shocked because of how it didn’t affect me. Have I come to a place in my own faith where seeing extreme violence or hearing coarse language doesn’t affect me? Even if it is on the screen and I do not practice these things myself, am I supporting some kind of evil system that will keep on making things more coarse and more violent to get that same “shock effect”? I went to see the movie with a group of Christian guys and the discussion after the movie wasn’t about being offended, it was about how  “awesome” some of the stunts or action sequences were. In fact, one of them was more offended by the pseudo-sex scene rather than people being graphically murdered.  These questions are difficult for me, as I watch society push and push the envelope further and as a Christian, I feel like I am part of this world…but yet at the same time, I feel like it is “ok” (or even “awesome”) because I am not actually doing the things depicted. 
But upon further contemplation I began to think about the Biblical stories, where perhaps there isn’t as much coarse language (well not the way that contemporary coarse language sounds), but there is violence. We as Christians are told to internalize these stories as they reveal to us the deeper truth of understanding God and perhaps my own view on violence in the media is affected by that.  Well, it is more to think about.
All in all, I would say for the secular comicbook nerdness of the movie, you could go see it, but you should be forewarned for the violence and language. But at the same time, there is a story of justice and standing up for the weak, that I do believe that society needs to hear. But as a Christian? I would say, enjoy dialoguing with the movie and seeing what offends you and why?

This song has been stuck in my head for about a month now. I think Candace is sick of it.

Today I wrestled with the idea of being deceived by God. I was reading through Jeremiah 20:7 and in amidst the laments of Jeremiah, he asks God… God did you deceive me and I was deceived? This is where my tension began, because when I was going through my hard times of December, I was upset with God because I felt like God did deceive me. That God had laid me in the ruins and I was in pain because of where God had lead me.

But now, I can see it. the best way to really deal with any lament to God, is time. I know that amidst the trials it seems forever. But even when Jeremiah felt deceived it lead him to real answers from God. I do believe that there is a great truth in this. We must follow after God, even amidst our laments because it only God that can offer us the perspective on our laments.

more thoughts about this later.

To ashes we go because from ashes we came. As life moves forward how quickly do we forget from which we came. How quickly do we forget that at the base of who we are is who we were. we can’t escape our past. we can’t. If today’s culture isn’t a big enough reminder (see John Edwards), our skeletons will come out of the closet. Our secrets will get out.. but there isn’t a certain freedom in remembering the ashes from whence we came? is there a certain freedom in not letting our past haunt us but rather letting it be a base to grow from?

Isn’t it true, that we can’t know the sweet taste of grace until we have realized we’ve been drinking from the cup of bitterness?

I know, that we all know this feeling. This is how I awoke this morning, if some news late last night about a friend of someone; that God has not prepared me for this.

But in a way I know he has. It is so interesting to me, in seminary it seems that there is less and less focus on the pastoral and more on the academic. I can tell you about the differences of beliefs on whether we have a soul or not; or what debates arose out of the council of Nicea; but never once did they train me how to deal with death as a pastor; as a leader of the community.

Part of me is curious, when did this change happen? I know that in the Gospels we have the calling of the disciples, without any formal teaching. And yet here I am, being formalized in my teaching. In fact, what did Jesus do with the disciples? He spent 3 years going through his teachings; putting the in real life situations where He lived His teachings. So what do I learn at Fuller? Is Fuller as a body, living in such a way that it teaches me more about the life of Christ and how I am to deal with everyday situations? I think I could really argue this for a while (on both sides). I mean an issue becomes, that Christ was an individual and Fuller is a seminary (but at the same time, isn’t the Body of Christ just a unity to becoming a whole).  But alas, these thoughts are chasing the wind. I get so lonesome, in the idea that I can deal with an insitution.

So as said earlier, how do I deal with what God did not prepare me for? I am called to just go with it and learn that God’s Grace is there to guide me. That through the Holy Spirit, God will work through me, even in my own fear of not knowing. But that becomes difficult, in my educational background, you never start a paper without knowing the research, you never start a mathematical program not knowing your variables, you never start something without a clear way to get you through. But perhaps, our clear way, is trusting in God’s way. But then I wrestle with assurance and how many times has that stopped me? to feel like since I do not know what to do, I will do nothing, in fear that I will inevitably mess it up. God is with me; who can be against me? I believe I am. My head is. It tells me that I cannot do this, that I am not prepared.

A joke among Christian friends, is that I can bring any story about myself back to Moses. I wonder, if outside the Scriptures if Moses felt in the face of Pharoah that God did not prepare me for this. I mean, was the whole, throwing His staff down to become a snake ad-lib’d? Did he know that God would work through him in that moment? did he have assurance?

These are the thoughts that I wrestled with this morning and all night. Feeling like God did not prepare me for this, but at the same time, knowing that God called me to deal with this. That it comes down to me trusting in God, that if God has brought me to it, God will see me through it.

ami goldhammer gave me this quote from someone else

“You live your own life according to the law, but you give grace to others.”

it was just interesting in the context to what i have been wrestling with.

In such great tension I dwell, between the law and grace. This is why I became a methodist in the first place. I could understand Wesley’s view on grace, but also, his need for personal piety. But my struggle is that, I cannot draw my lines. I cannot stay rigid on one side or another.

On one hand, I know that there is grace alone. We are saved by grace alone and it is only the grace given to us by God that we are saved. It is given without merit, without work or without circumstance, the grace is freely given to all who want it and even those who do not. grace reigns down on us all.

But on the other hand (in greek this would of been a men-de). I know that our faith having no works is dead. We need to respond to grace by the works of the Holy Spirit in our lives. This is where holiness comes in. When we experience the salvific grace of Christ, how can we still dwell in sin? I understand, that sin is unescapeble (because of the brokenness of the world) but that does not give a reason to continue to choose to stay in sinning. I advocate for holiness as a response to grace because we are to try to expell the sin from our lives to become more like Christ.

But there is a log in my eye, just as much as a speck in yours. I know this. I understand this. This is why I am called to live in this tension. I knowingly sin, I know that, there are times where I choose wrath over a holy anger, times where I choose injustice over justice, times where I gossip instead of listen. But does the sin on my hands, prevent me from sharing the gospel? Am I right to say, that as I work on my holiness, I should indeed, encourage others? I know that I, need a lot of work on this (because I am perhaps a bit to legalistic), but at the same time, I can not still my tongue from saying that in Christ, we must respond to the grace that is given. It is given without merit, but yet, we are called to allow the Spirit to work through us, to make sanctify us, to make help us become more holy.

In this tension, this is why I am a methodist. I wish it were easier for me. I wish that when I am confronted with the sin of my brothers and sisters in Christ I could just be ‘ok’ with it and just say grace is enough and to let them continue on in what they do. (heck, sometimes, that is how I excuse myself, isn’t that what we all do) But at the same time, I am in tension to the place that God has called me. To call out those in the wrong and to push them forward into becoming more like Christ.  Oh Christian perfection. How you make people disagree with me so much. But then again, I wouldn’t be a methodist if I didn’t believe we were called to be holy people.

(I can hear the voice in the back of my head looming “Isn’t the cross enough” isn’t what Jesus did on the cross enough for our salvation. But I don’t think what I am arguing here is about salvation, what I am arguing (or discussing) is about a lifestyle. Do we choose to live a lifestyle that says that grace allows me to dwell in the sin that is the world or is there a lifestyle that says in respond to the grace given I will do my best to allow the Spirit to make me more like Christ.)

So I have been being spoken to a lot in dreams lately. As posted earlier, you got my latest one, but a couple of days ago. I had another.

I prayed for clarity on my relationship with Candace again and that what we were doing was ok.

I was back in GA and I had these special glasses on. (they were actually the glasses that John Stewart wore when he did his oberman impression, the lightup 2010 glasses). With these glasses on, Mandy couldn’t see who I really was. I looked like one of her friends and all day I followed her around and talked to her about her life. I heard about the different things that were going on in her life and about the different guys she had seen (not in a dating sense, but in a friendship sense). I got the impression from her, that she was really ok. That she was going to be fine and going to make it. I got up and walked away and while walking away, I took off the glasses and she could see who I was. She and a bunch of her ZTA sisters surrounded my car and she bit her bottom lip and started crying, asking me not to leave. I looked at her in the face and said, “I can see that you’re ok now, that you’re going to be fine. And I have someone waiting for me, someone I want to get back to.” I remember her dad driving me away and seeing her get smaller and smaller in the review mirror.

I woke up with a strange sense of being ok with what has happened over the last couple months. I know that she is pain right now (with the passing of pop). But I did take comfort, in what I believe is God showing me that everything (between her and I) has ran its course. I also woke up with a confidence with Candace and I can go on, without worrying about moving on too quickly.

and the next night I had the dream that I wrote about earlier. which to me was very interesting.

I guess we can see what God brings me tonight…

Random Drawings on the margins of my notebooks. I still take notes in class because if I bring a computer, I’ll ADD too much online…but I still ADD in the form of sketching about.

So again I prayed for clarity between Candace and I and what we were supposed to be doing. And once again a dream.

we were running on some kind of black top road going to some amish living place. Well it came to a place where there was this really steep hill/mountain. We were going to have to climb it…and I didn’t want to. Because of my fear of heights and just not thinking that I could, but she promised me I could and pulled me up the first little part. I took a deep breath and started climbing with her…up this steep mountain that seemed 100s of feet in the air. But she kept telling me to chase her and we would make it. I soon realize we were at the top and she jumped into my arms.

the funny part? the top was a mission field.