Week one.

For the first three nights, I spent in and out of the bottle. I was completely disabled by what has happened. The best way to describe it, is that I am floating. I’m liminal. I’m in between two different states. It feels like I am going through a mixture of a divorce, a funeral, and a major surgery. For the most part, I don’t know how to react to things.I don’t know what I need to do about my future. I don’t know what I need to do even today. My classes have suffered, as all I have wanted to do was be distracted. I wish that I could have more times to do  things, but I am lost among my own emotional woods.

I have forces pulling me every which way. Parts of people and myself, say that this is for the better. She treated you wrong and it is better to just get over it. You’re a great catch and that some day, some one will make you just as happy or even more.

But a large part of me. still feels like that she is my destiny. That I was created for her, that she was made to complete me. And that no one can understand that, outside of us. (but the problem is, she does not feel that way anymore).

But another part of me, it realizes that she left me. I need to remember that. She left me. I did nothing but be there for us. I stood through our fights and our differences (except maybe once). I put up with all the growing pains of both of us. I went through the distance for two years. Now, in the last 7 months…she had to leave me. Leave me alone and without her…all the way across the country.

Part of me does not want her to come back to me, but part of me, does. part of me wants her to come back to me, just so I can show her how happy I am without her. (even though I’m not).

But what has happened, is my support groups have more than pulled their weight. My family, my friends, my roommates…all of them have been there for me, even when I did not want them to be. And I thank God for that. Because without them, I fear, I would of lost myself.

Shanelle has given me the best advice so far. Which is that even if you are to get back with her, that is not going to happen right now. Right now, you need to work on you. Whatever happens, it happens in the future and you need to work right now, on yourself in the present. Don’t sit here and long for things that are in the future, but work on what you got.

So I place items into the ex-box. I’ll start to pack her up and work on me. So that in a couple months, I can be functional again. Shanelle also I need a game plan.

goals this week:

• Finish my papers
• Apply to CPEs in: CA, IA, GA, LA
• Pack up all of her stuff
• Go out with friends twice
• Eat dinner with the Littles
• Make new break up list
• Ask her mom to ship the ring back

Here is to week two. In the midst of Week 7.