As advent comes, I wait for Emmanuel. I do believe that it is fitting that his quarter leads me into advent, because if there was a time that I ever needed to wait for God, it is right now. I am in a place of both hopelessness and great hope. A place of sadness and joy of expectations. To me, this cocktail of emotion can be found throughout Christmas music. One song can be about desperately missing someone (Blue Christmas) but the next one can be about the coming of Christ (O come O come Emmanuel) and then move onto world peace because its Christmas (Happy Christmas (the war is over). I believe that this is all fitting. All of it, because as my music reflects my mood, I have been drinking deep of the complexity of this Christmas cocktail.

But, as the three wise men had to do, I have to move forward. towards my 2nd to last quarter to Fuller. To my future. I wonder, as Mary sat and waited for the birth, was she anxious for the future for her son? or wonder how their fates would be intertwined. She probably had some sort of plans, some sort of goals or wants and desires, but on one night in Bethlehem all of those plans were considered lost. Just as one night in Pasadena (well it was day, but I’m being poetic) my future changed. And just has Mary had to wonder, what greatness will come out of this pain and suffering, I sit and wonder to…what will God make of me.

This last quarter (academic wise) was quite easy for me. If I ever believed in complete providence, it would have been in this quarter. When my life plummeted, God had it in his plans, where I could go away for a week and not miss much. I thank God for that. I am grateful, that when things go bad in our Life, every little thing corresponds with an act of God. However great (being in easy classes) or however small (having new friends) I am grateful to God for giving me these things.

In concerns with her, the other day I was on quite a bubble. I was at a fork in the road of whether I was really ready to abandon hope of soon reconciliation (even though I always said this, my heart never believed it). But as she moved into a place of “despising me” I found myself realizing that perhaps it is right to move on. I will forever miss the time we had. but perhaps as the notebook puts it: our love was shooting star, that burned bright but eventually faded. and if in a couple years, our paths cross again, I hope that my heart will be right and that I can realize that she really knew what she was doing. I think that she knows that what she did was right and I want to tell her (as she reads this) that she did. I will forever miss you and you will always have a part of me, but as for now, we are both will be moving on and I really do only hope for happiness for you.

So now, I stand in a place of self reflection. How do I start this heart again? I mean the last time I was going out on dates, I was a completely different person. I really was. My last relationship has shaped me and changed me. Life has shaped me and changed me. My environment has shaped me and changed me. And as always, part of dating, is willing to risk yourself and take a chance. Have I got over her enough, to not press her unto another girl or try to fill the Mandy void? I don’t think I will know that till I start dating. A similar thing has just happened to a friend of mine, who started dating and realized that they were not over the last relationship completely. Part of me needs to know that. I have always gotten over people quickly (perhaps its a mixture of me not being completely in touch with my own emotion and partly me trusting in God’s plan for my life and His ever close watch on my life). So as I move on, I will need to be ever watchful of my own heart and my plans, for God is ever bigger and ever graceful with me.

And lastly, at the end of this, I would like to thank everyone who has been there for me. All of my old friends: my family, Shanelle and Jared, Dave, Jason, Nicole, Justin F, Phil W, Nick W, Eric H, Matt G, Greg D, everyone at the hippy commune house I have always known you as treasures in my life, but for what you supported me with (whether it was drinking or advice or shopping) I am ever thankful. Also to my new friends: my new-moon friends, Candace, the wednesday night worship (and Toree who ever harassed me in coming), lil wen wen, my monday night yardhouse group, the tuesday night yardhouse group, and Whitworthians I thank you for taking me in and dealing with my thick cynicism and sarcasms. I promise that my tongue will be a bit tamer.

And thank you Emmanuel, for you have came at the time where I needed you most, you came in the form of a helpless babe, but yet, even at that first innocent breath, my life forever changed. I thank you that even in my times of darkness and in my times of light, you have forever sung your songs of love, grace, mercy and assurance over me. Now let me go and bless others on how you have blessed me.

Merry Christmas, everyone.