Loving is fine if you have plenty of time

I have had many interesting conversations on relationships as of late. I understand the obvious. I am going through what is the process of salvaging a heart that was weathered by a hurricane Mandy. And when it comes to these natural disasters, who really does have control? is it God? Did God send this hurricane or was it just the natural cause of life?

I will not dwell on these thoughts, for they will distract me from the conversation at hand, which is of course, conversations on relationships. Some of my conversations have been helpful conversations involving me and another person and some have been less pleasant with someone talking to me and unleashing their pain or living their failed relationship through mine. But all in all, I know that this has made me wiser. I have learned more about myself and what does it mean to get over this relationship.

I know that you feel/think that I am over you. But if that were true, I would be talking to you, I would be pursuing that friendship. You should take my silence ultimately as an answer to your questions and doubts of whether I am over you.

I also know that you feel like I’m just going to move and go on to the next girl and I can tell you, that is far from the truth. I have surrounded myself with a group of people who are ever vigilant about me just replacing you, they genuinely want me to get over this. they generally want to see me happy and not just deal with this pain of you leaving me. What is going on with me right now, is that I am ready to date as in, I can’t know the damage done to me until I expose it. In order to do this, I will need to be able to find someone who is willing to know that I am broken goods, that I have a lot of baggage and is just willing to well, hang out so that I can see the extent. I’m not looking for something serious because, in all honesty, I don’t know if I can trust ‘love’ anymore. I now have trust issues, that I will have to deal with.

But I’m not going to sit here and let you live your life and not live mine. If you want me to be happy (which I generally hope you do) then you will respect my constant wishes for silence. You will also work on not letting your friends attack me for what I do or say, especially since you got so mad at mine for saying and doing things, which weren’t even on par, with what she said to me.

I think that what Shanelle said is the wisest by far. that I need to blow the hell out of any bridges that we made. Because the materials had rotted. in the two years of our relationship things developed into a bad state. I can see that now. I can see  how you treated me. And if you can still get to me on my island. If God grants you passage, than by the grace of God we will be together again. But it will only be by his grace because the only bridge I will begin to build is friendship and that will take a while to get started. you were my fiance and you left me, that isn’t a switch that i can flip.

this is not something healed in a month
this is not something that I can flip back into
we have to rebuild everything.
everything. 
And I am still gathering supplies and picking up the wreckage that you left us both in. 
We will never be the same.

Maybe you can never understand this. Maybe that this is a wisdom that comes with age and experience. Maybe my more ‘experience’ in relationships helps me in dealing with this. But I just know, that you need to let me go and let me live my life and wait and see what happens.

move on from me because right now, I know that is what is best for both of us.