As I have been told, countless times, that the year 25 is your best. And as of right now, I am beginning to believe it. Over the last month, dealing with my own birthday, my Christmas and a new year… I have been given a new lens in which to view things.

Over break, in Iowa, I caught up with two people that I had great shame in dealing with. I sat and I talked to Alicia after two years of saying that I would never want to talk to her again. It was difficult for both us, I had to ask for forgiveness and she also asked for forgiveness for never giving the space I asked for. I also sat down and talk to Maggie which was good and I had to tell her that I was sorry, that our friendship had to be put on pause… or that I had to leave it for a bit. I apologized because I choose to sacrifice these relationships because I thought I was in the relationship that was going to last forever. But when she finally left me, I had to realize that I had burned all of my bridges and I needed to start rebuilding those relationships; though I do not feel like Alicia wants to revisit our friendship…which I am ok with. We were able to have a good closure on whatever it was and that gave me peace about the situation.

I have been long debating whether I should blog about my personal life knowing that both Mandy and Elyse will read this. As everyone knows, I am willing to sugar coat or omitting things in order to stop fights. But at the same time, Should I not say that I am happy? I am. I know that this will crush both of them. I know that, but at the same time, I have moved on. I have moved on to casually dating other people and though there is nothing serious yet (though there is a possibility in one)… I still want to take this slow. I want to take this slow because I still have baggage. i still have a ring sitting on my dresser that used to belong to my ex-fiance. I still have little things around my apartment that I am constantly finding. But I am happy. I am happy because the Lord is still leading me. And I plead with the Lord that is God that guides my heart and not me.

I think that through out of all of this, that has been my greatest strength. To keep relying on God to lead my heart as I leave on relationship and enter into a new one. That I do not move for selfish reasons or reasons of the flesh, but rather that I move on the basis of the love of God and not my own human love.  I wrote about something similar to this in my journal the other day. I wrote about how, I carried my previous relationship with my own love and not always the love of God. And my love could not handle it. There are many things that I wish i could take back from saying. There are things that I wish i could take back that I did. I moved out of my own love and not of the Love given by God. I’m not saying that we, as individuals do not love God; in fact far from it. We both had great individual relationships with God, but when our love for each other was based on our independent relationships with God instead of being dependent on God for our relationships. I now know this for the next relationship. It is still hard to think about all of these things…about having to meet the family again (because her family was really awesome) and about having to propose again…but at the same time, I am excited for what God will bring.

One movie that has really influenced my views on getting over this, is the movie Elizabethtown. the statement “If not this, then something else” has graced my lips a lot. The feeling of failure and the need to dive deep into the melancholy of the situation. I have been dealing with it and now I am on my road trip across the country and waiting to get to that fork in the road.

Out of all of this, I still want to thank Shanelle. I would not be where I am now, enjoying life and being happy, if it wasn’t for her. I hope the mock Chicago mix treats you well and I am excited for meatloaf this week. I also want to thank you for hosting our double date last night. Thank you for both you and Jared and how you have watched me and cared for me. Some day, God will give me a way to repay you both.

So the year 25? I will have to see what you bring to me in 2010 (pronounced twenty-ten). Also as a side note, I’m no longer checking your blog//your break up blog//your live journal. I know that also must hurt, but I am moving on and to fully move on, I need to burn that bridge. When I am ready to talk to you again; I will. But you have to remember how scared you were to allow to talk to alicia and other misc. girls from past relationships; and you need to be prepared if the next girl I do get serious with…does not want me to be friends with my ex-fiance. I do not wish evil upon you. I hope only pleasant things come to you. I hope that things work out for you and that you enjoy paris.

As for me? I’m going to be here in CA waiting for whatever 2010 brings me. And I have the feeling…that after last night, that it will bring something good.  But remember, trust in the Lord always. But it doesn’t hurt to have some good friends too.