So over this last week, I have been trying to do more work. I have been trying to keep up in my studies and keep on top of everything, but yet, I find myself distracted. I find myself worrying. I find myself apprehensive about my own future.

I still have to find a CPE. (My only call back has been from IA).
I still have to figure out what I am doing after that CPE.
Still got to continue on my Candidacy.
And now I have the starting of something that wasn’t expected.

In a midst of all of these things, I am trying to seek God. I know that regardless of my feelings and the feelings of those around me, I need to be seeking God first. I have a constant guilt about moving on. I know that I had made some promises that I am breaking. I knew that in my last relationship, I said things, that well, are not going to be coming true now. And i feel so much guilt for that. I am person who has never learned from his mistakes and whilst being in a relationship has been more of the poet rather than the realist. So with this ‘baggage’ I enter into a new relationship. I don’t want to be a person who makes the same mistakes over and over again and thus I must seek God in all of this. I must ask God for forgiveness of what I have done and what I have said. I did not let my yes be yes and my no mean no. I messed up. But I know that God will forgive me and that in this new relationship, I will seek God, we will seek God.

This is still hard. It was unexpected. It was not what I was looking for. I wanted to find a friend, someone who I could just hang out with. I didn’t want another serious relationship, considering what I just got out of. But it happened. Perhaps, that is just because I am not good with being casual or perhaps that is not how my heart is wired. But alas, I found something unexpected. And as I timidly move forward, I ask for God’s grace over the situation. I ask for God’s guidance as I seek the next step. I know that this choice will hurt other people and I know that God can see that and I pray that God is with those who this hurts, but at the same time, I hope that God blesses this choice.

So now, I am trying to figure out the next step. In that old addage “Who Dares…Wins” I will take my next step into my life. Not forgetting where I came from, but looking forward into where I am going. God be with me.