I know, that we all know this feeling. This is how I awoke this morning, if some news late last night about a friend of someone; that God has not prepared me for this.

But in a way I know he has. It is so interesting to me, in seminary it seems that there is less and less focus on the pastoral and more on the academic. I can tell you about the differences of beliefs on whether we have a soul or not; or what debates arose out of the council of Nicea; but never once did they train me how to deal with death as a pastor; as a leader of the community.

Part of me is curious, when did this change happen? I know that in the Gospels we have the calling of the disciples, without any formal teaching. And yet here I am, being formalized in my teaching. In fact, what did Jesus do with the disciples? He spent 3 years going through his teachings; putting the in real life situations where He lived His teachings. So what do I learn at Fuller? Is Fuller as a body, living in such a way that it teaches me more about the life of Christ and how I am to deal with everyday situations? I think I could really argue this for a while (on both sides). I mean an issue becomes, that Christ was an individual and Fuller is a seminary (but at the same time, isn’t the Body of Christ just a unity to becoming a whole).  But alas, these thoughts are chasing the wind. I get so lonesome, in the idea that I can deal with an insitution.

So as said earlier, how do I deal with what God did not prepare me for? I am called to just go with it and learn that God’s Grace is there to guide me. That through the Holy Spirit, God will work through me, even in my own fear of not knowing. But that becomes difficult, in my educational background, you never start a paper without knowing the research, you never start a mathematical program not knowing your variables, you never start something without a clear way to get you through. But perhaps, our clear way, is trusting in God’s way. But then I wrestle with assurance and how many times has that stopped me? to feel like since I do not know what to do, I will do nothing, in fear that I will inevitably mess it up. God is with me; who can be against me? I believe I am. My head is. It tells me that I cannot do this, that I am not prepared.

A joke among Christian friends, is that I can bring any story about myself back to Moses. I wonder, if outside the Scriptures if Moses felt in the face of Pharoah that God did not prepare me for this. I mean, was the whole, throwing His staff down to become a snake ad-lib’d? Did he know that God would work through him in that moment? did he have assurance?

These are the thoughts that I wrestled with this morning and all night. Feeling like God did not prepare me for this, but at the same time, knowing that God called me to deal with this. That it comes down to me trusting in God, that if God has brought me to it, God will see me through it.